Second Draft Feedback


Comments on Critical Investigation second draft:

Mark: 37
Grade: B

This is a fascinating essay – really enjoyable to read and strong on engagement and critical autonomy. However, it’s lacking research and this is the critical area that will hold you back from the A/A* grade unless you address it. Work on the following:

·         A few typos and clumsy sentences to address but not far off in terms of written English.
·         One aspect of the above is topic sentences – on quite a few of these you need to make sure the essay is ruthlessly focused on the question. The topic sentence should clearly tell the reader how you are developing your argument using wording from the question. Occasionally, you only reach that point two or three sentences in.
·         Textual analysis is still lacking a bit of depth/detail… not offering the depth of meaning or level of analysis required for the top level at A2.
·         It’s still very light on research – where is your academic research on whether media really can change society? What about hip hop and youth culture in general? You just haven’t got enough academic sources to push into level 4 – which is where we need to be. See the attached journal articles as an example – these are on our M: drive and one of your tasks in the Autumn was to use all of these to further your research. Make sure you address this for the final draft or it will be very difficult to move your mark any higher.

Next steps:

·         Post this to your coursework blog (you don’t need to post mark/grade if you don’t want to).
·         Give me a plan/timeframe on what you will do for the final draft.

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